A long way from home
I’ve been pretty quiet online since my last blog post and a few of you have worried why…
Rest assured, I am alive and well!
To answer your burning question as to where I’ve been…AWAY! Everywhere!
I’ve been out of the country since the beginning of this month and am FINALLY home again.
I’ve always loved traveling and being away from home but this was my first time feeling so miserably homesick. All I wanted to do was be with my pets. I always miss them but this time was the most I’ve ever ached being away from them.
sigh
I guess this means I’m getting old haha.
I was only away for 12 days, yet it felt like I was gone for months. In that time, I visited France for the very first time and Ireland for the second time (first being 8 years ago now).
As I’m getting older, I’m also learning I feel more relaxed in the countryside and LOVE the cities in small doses. I love them both but as someone who has lived in the countryside all her life, this is what my body is most familiar with.
I didn’t get to see any of the things I hoped to see this trip but it’s entirely okay. This trip wasn’t about me anyway, it was for our dear friend’s wedding! In the span of 12 days though, I flew on 4 airplanes, drove in 6 cars, rode 1 bus, took 1 train, slept in 6 beds, walked 4 beaches, and a partridge in a pear tree. I reached a level a tiredness where I no longer understood or registered that I was tired and the backup generator in my body kicked on and just propelled me forward numbly from one destination to another.
With all the constant movement I found just a handful of minutes where I had enough brain power to coherently read and respond to emails. And I learned a LOT about myself and my preferred travel style.
We all have social batteries with varying power ranges, differing from person to person. Mine falls somewhere in the middle to low end. After so many activities, I’m ready to retreat to solitude and silence. And the most prevalent thing I learned…Stay. In. One. Place. A lot of this trip was scheduled out of necessity and not so much by anyone’s personal choice. It was a wedding trip with a little bit of personal vacation sprinkled in, or at least attempted to be sprinkled in. I mean hey, when in Rome. What we all seemed to agree on about this trip was the relocating. It felt like we were relocating almost every other day, dragging our belongings, waking up early, running through airports, packing, unpacking.
We all struggled to feel present with every moment and destination being on such a short timer. For my next trip, whatever country that may be, I plan to pick one single place. Once single airbnb. Put my belongings down, and go live like a local for my time there. Make a very short itinerary and sightseeing list and just explore at my leisure. This feels the most like my personal travel style.
I’m eager to get back out into the rest of the world after I’ve recharged. And this time, I’d like to take my tattoo machines with me. I’m not sure how soon, I’m not sure how long, but I think I’m ready to come out of my shell more and bring my tattoos to YOU.
Something strange I’ve always felt though, as an American with a multicultural background, is this sense of not belonging. A half-breed, if you will. Too European for America, too American for Europe. I had this discussion with my friends, that as Americans we are one of the few countries that experience the unique phenomenon of dual nationalism. When someone asks about your background in the US, you tell them your heritage (i.e., Italian, German, etc.). But in Europe, this question typically means “what country were you born/ do you live in”. Which as someone born in America, this question can feel confusing because I am not Native American and the American identity can feel very vague and open-ended because our country is so diverse. It doesn’t feel like a singular answer exists. My answer is unique to me and my background, as is any other American’s. Some of us have lived here for generations, some of us are first generation Americans or even immigrants ourselves. And with so many possibilities of WHO you could be, it can feel daunting to bottle that up into one single answer. Which is perfectly fine, but something I haven’t yet formulated for myself yet.
So with my second time visiting Europe and seeing the differences of where I’m from versus where I’m FROM, it really confuses my internal identity. I long for somewhere I can fully connect and I have yet to find that anywhere. But for right now? That’s okay.
Years ago, this sense of longing used to eat me alive. It was agonizing and drove me to want to constantly run away. But I think traveling and realizing I’m not trapped anymore has helped me make peace with this. In fact, I think I have learned to almost appreciate this part of the process.
The search.
I no longer desperately look for an escape or something to fill the void of this internal homesickness for a place I’ve never been to. I’ve started to treat it as a friend, an ally, a tool for my intuition and simply coexist with it. Instead of letting it fill me with agony, I allow it steer me where I need to go. And with the faith I’ve learned to develop in myself, I can trust that this instinct will eventually lead me to exactly where I’m meant to be. It’s already working. Because I’m there right now. This is where I’m meant to be right now, this town, this state, this country, this moment. Working on myself and planting little seeds for my future self. I can grow roots anywhere. I grew them here in Warwick, and while I still sense another home is waiting for me and my family somewhere, I will never for a second regret the roots I’ve spread here.
Having this time here to miss something I’ve never had yet has allowed me to window watch the rest of the world. In my last few posts I talk about my disdain for the internet in it’s current form. But regardless, I’ve still found the parts of it that I enjoy. And one of those things is allowing me to visit places without ever needing to leave my home. While I’m unable to see these places in person, I can still bathe in different cultures from a distance. I can still learn, discover, and connect with people and places from all over the world and educate myself with where I should point myself next.
I want to see different seas and coastlines, different mountains, different cities, different plants and animals. All in the hopes that one day one of these places on the map will light up and I’ll know that is the home I’ve been searching for. This may take years, even decades, and as long as I’m able to still keep traveling, I really don’t care how long it takes.
Something we always try to do when we visit a new place is get tattooed as a souvenir. We sadly weren’t able to make it happen this time with all the running around we had scheduled.
Next time though…next time for sure.
For now, I’m just so happy to be home and covered in cat hair again and happy to have checked off another country on my travel list.
Can you guess where I want to go next?…
